And so it is. And so it goes.

And so it happened...

The moment I've been waiting for and, at the same time, dreading, finally happened. 

I didn't know where to start, how to start it... I just let it. My last and desperate attempt to save the little pieces of what's left of my heart. I asked you the question that has been tormenting me for quite some time now. The question that requires an answer that can only make or break my heart. The question that will bring silence to my wandering soul.

"Remember what you said before?"

"What did I say? I don't remember."

"First, you said the big, fat no... Then you said 'one day at a time'... And a big fat no again..."

"Okay, yeah. What about it?"

"Well... well... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to trap you into answering this question right now, like this. I just don't know how else I'm going to ask it..."

You listened attentively, knowing what was about to come. As I inched my way to telling or asking you what I've been meaning to ask for so long, the feeling of anxiety was slowly fading away. The anxiety of what you might say -- yes or no? Through your vibe, I greatly felt what you've probably been itching to sa. It definitely wasn't the news I was hoping for.

You wanted to talk to me about this tonight, as well. Only, I beat you to it. After my long litany, which you were kind enough to let me finish, I listened to what you were bound to say. 

After stuttering, breaking my voice, losing the will to think straight, I was able to manage to let my feelings be known and be clear to you. It was hard. It was like breaking up with someone, only there was never a fight, no one cheated on anyone, and no one fell out of love. It was more of losing the battle that was only one sided. I raised my white flag. I let you know my concerns, and the pain of being with or without you was evident through my actions. 

Rejection is never easy... 

"I hope you know I'm enjoying spending time with you and getting to know you more. Because I am. I didn't know that you were struggling and it was hard for you...

But... thank you. 

I would totally understand if you wouldn't want to talk to me for now. It would be unfortunate, but I understand."

But I had to. And I'm sure you felt the same way, at least in this part of the equation. Apparently, the only mutual thing we've felt. It might hurt you to somehow lose the consistency of our friendship, or lose me as "that" person, for now. But you felt it was only proper to suffer that bit, so that I wouldn't suffer the prolonged agony of being the "friend" who is deeply infatuated by you. 

I want to make you happy, for sure. That's why I'd want to give you what you want. But giving you what you want entails that I lose a major part of me... the part that wants you.

We said both our pieces, met halfway and came to a close... I bade farewell and made sure that you believed me when I said "I'm okay". 

"I'll let you know when I'm good, already." 

"Please do..."

It wasn't anything unexpected. It was. You gave me a peck on the cheek as you left for your car. My mind went blank and just thought of one thing –– rock music. Turned on my iPod, chose the rock playlist and pumped up the volume. It was over. It is over. The screeching instruments, heavy bass, angry lyrics just soothed my soul. I had this delusional theory that only rock music can slowly drain my rage into this deep well of emotions. 

I drove off, alone and in the dark. Staring blankly at the streets, the cars, the lights, was when I realized I needed to get some money. I thought of going back to where we said our goodbyes. Going back only made me think the unthinkable – that you'd still be there, sitting in the darkness of your car, staring blankly out your windshield the same way I did. 

No, you weren't there. Of course. It ain't wishful thinking if it isn't far from possible to happen. 

I did everything in silence, with only the unique noises of the environment playing in the background – the original soundtrack of this so-called night. 

I was thinking of what you said, "Text me when you get home, at least," when I stalled some more before reaching the bank. I arrived home, greeted my mother, who was more than glad to see me home that early. Only I was neither in the mood to chat nor to watch American Idol with her, so I walked on to my room, placed everything away in silence. I could only hear my countless brushstrokes as I was thinking of you and what just happened.  

Finally, I picked up my phone, typed in what I'd usually text you, topped with an usual cherry. 

"Am home already. Good night, (your name here). :) Thanks for everything."

You replied. 

"Good night, (my name here). Thank you, too. :) "